Battle with the spoken word - Part II (Learning to say ‘No, Thank You’)

The moment you decide to conquer the fear of the spoken word, you have landed the biggest leap ever taken in that one particular death well.

Now the effort must be focussed on keeping at it. While you've joined groups or formed speaking groups to tickle your inhibitions, it's important to be alert. Because now you will discover several things that you never knew had been defining your character.

When I was more than half-a-year into my battle, I realised that I let myself to be bossed around. No, not by my workplace bosses (that's another topic for another time), but by a so-called well-meaning friend who claimed to know better. (She, indeed, does with far wider experience in the publishing world than me).

And when I reacted very mildly (old habits die hard), I was told 'You've changed'. But the friend could not pinpoint what exactly was the 'change' in me.

I smiled to myself as her comment was another imaginary trophy I received for my efforts towards empowering myself.

Here goes the series of incidents...when my long-time acquaintance turned friend learnt that my first book was in the process of being published, she rang me up to enquire about the details of my venture.

A conversation that started cordially turned nasty as she yelled, "Why didn't you tell me your book is complete...You hid your work... You are wasting your money...I know of several publishers in India whom I could have introduced you to had you told me once...you are being foolish..."

And so on until she banged the phone on me. This despite the fact that she was in the know of me compiling chapters. We had started on our respective books at about the same time.

I forgave her. I initiated steps and stayed in touch.

A few months later, my book was printed and ready for distribution, when she rang me up to know details of the distributor and once again enquired the amount I had invested. No sooner than I mentioned the figures than she started, this time warning me in no uncertain terms, that I was goofing up my future associating with my publisher because no "good distributors will associate" with my publisher.

This time I was more composed. I sought to first know the reason why she thought my publisher's work would not be accepted my well-known distributors. And the only reason she gave was, “Because she's a ***ch". When I replied, "It doesn't matter. So be it", she snapped "don't get cocky with me, I'm talking for your good and your future..."

I firmly repeated, "It doesn't matter. My future associations for my work is within me alone, but thank you for the advise.” By then she had hung up on me. She didn't deserve an explanation or thanks, anyways. My courtesy!

I had learnt to tell a bossy and judgemental person to f*** off without being rude. I had begun exercising my right to accept no shit from I-know-it-all mortals. I had stood up for my beliefs!

Yes, belief is all what matters. If you believe in yourself, your aspiration for any desire will come to pass. Just follow your gut instincts.

Returning to our battle with speaking, we now understand how acknowledging one weakness within us and setting about to overcome that will bring forth other small niggly negatives that need attention as well.

By saying ‘NO’ and not agreeing with someone you are NOT being a foe. Agreement in disagreement is a healthy way to sustain friendship.

Imagine towing one another's line in the name of maintaining a relationship. You will not enjoy each other’s company, the association will bear no fruits and above all you will denigrate your own worth.

Battle with the spoken word - Part I (Saying it aloud!)

As promised here I begin my series...

How many of you'll can deliver a speech to a group of audience. Loud and clear, with excellent diction and smart posture without your heart pounding in your ears, knees knocking together, eyes drilling the opposite wall, throat drying up to a croaky voice and palms leaking your confidence?

A prepared speech to begin with. Impromptu requires a different skills set, which I'll tackle later.

This is no arm-chair writing nor a funda that flew over the top of my scalp as I munched popcorn. These are real facts - those what I experienced, am experiencing and am damn well sure will experience!

To begin with acknowledge that you cannot speak to a group of more than five strangers without going through at least one of the several symptoms mentioned in the opening paragraph. This is called 'BEING AWARE'.

Next admit it is a 'weakness'. Loud and clear, say it aloud. Let the monster inside you listen and prepare itself for the attack.

Trust me it is one great weakness to possess. No, I'm not nuts yet. Think of this...How would you feel if you were to tease the biggest bully in your class or office in his/her face?

That's exactly what you are doing by saying it loud and clear - 'Yes, I have a weakness.'

Next say I'm not ashamed. Say it as many times loud and clear. Look into the mirror and yell - 'Yes I have a weakness, but am not ashamed'.

This is what I didn't do. And this is the reason why I was called names, branded and... suffered for more than two decades of my adult life. I lived in denial. And when the need to speak multiplied I receded further into my own imaginary shell. I spoke only if spoken to and was called a 'snob'. I replied in monosyllables and was called 'ignorant'. I kept away from discussions and conversations and was labelled 'shy'. Some even attacked my pedigree. Yet I chose not to react, until I realised my purpose in life. I became an author and I hate if I were to be called a shy and ignorant author. For I'm simply NOT that.

You need not wait to hit the wall to seek remedies. Join a forum (there are dime a dozen in any city) that will hone your speaking skills. If cash is your problem, no worries. Form a group. Tell your well-hearted friends or relatives or neighbours about your intention. Bet you! there are hordes of 'shy' people out there.

And once you initiate in forming a group, you automatically become its leader and lo! you will already begin basking in new-found confidence.

Those of you joining professional groups, fret not. Just look around and see the varied members - you will find managers and office boys, housewives and so-called superwomen, even aged and experienced professionals all under one roof - desperate to speak without stuttering.

Take this first step and then check me out here for the next.

All the best!

Checkout the intro to this series http://nishasanjeev.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-shame-journalist-training-to-speak.html

What a shame! A journalist training to speak

When my acquaintances learnt of my new interest, they reacted variedly. From genuine shock to mocks and even smirks and some suppressed giggles.

How can a journalist seek help for learning to speak! What a shame! they implied.

While I was absolutely unstirred with their verbal and facial expressions, I couldn't help but see the ignorance in abundance in them.

How did I sense the ignorance if I was unstirred? Well, because I'm out conquering my fear. A fear that I am aware of. Am aware of because I acknowledged that weakness in me. I acknowledged it because I love myself and will go any length to see myself free of that evil.

The very fact that they reacted thus is because I minced no words and hid no facts. By not being ashamed or afraid of spelling out my weakness I thrashed out the first huge blow on the face of the ugly trespasser settled inside me.

Now tackling the 'ignorance' of my listeners - I don't claim every one of them who reacted in disapproval need help to speak. But all of them definitely could do with some logic.

How can a journalist join a speaking forum is akin to asking how can your physician not operate upon your heart? Or how can a support desk staff not know how to build a software program? Or how can a wrestler be afraid of a snake? Or why can’t all cricketers ball and bat and keep wicket?

A dentist is a dentist first a doctor second. A cardiologist is a cardiologist first and doctor second. And so is an ophthalmologist or gynecologist or any other medical ologist.

Similarly, a mechanical engineer cannot fix your electrical cable or an architectural engineer weld chunks of heavy metal.

All engineers may be technicians but all technicians are not engineers. All surgeons are doctors but not all doctors are surgeons. All professors are teachers but not all teachers are professors. All painters are artists but not all artists are painters. All hair stylists are barbers but not all barbers are hair stylists. All chefs are cooks but not all cooks are chefs. So also all reporters are journalists but not all journalists are reporters - Period.

Only as you narrow down and zero-in on specializations and hone those particular skills are you entitled to specific titles? Until then you loiter in the broader corridors of professionalism.

And when you set out to do that you may encounter some hidden skeletons suppressing you with its magical powers, and to undo which you may require immense courage.

The faster you muster that courage, the quicker you get to be free. That is only if you are 'AWARE' that you need to work on yourself.

Always remember, no human being is perfect as yet not to harbour at least one irky snooper.

P.S: If you harbour the fear of speaking and are AWARE it resides inside you, then you are at the right place. I've decided to share my battle with the spoken word on this blog. If you choose to join me in the war, rest assured you'll be victorious for I BELIEVE in myself.

I'm not a newage mother

Which polygon is not a quadrilateral among the below? Answers had four choices - a) a triangle [I immediately recognised]; b) a square that was tilted to the left and so I stared at it a bit; c) a box that looked more like a honeycomb; d) another one that looked like two umbrella canopies facing one another.

I shifted the book to the other hand a third time pretending to better study the shapes, when I heard. "I told you, you cannot understand such things," said my daughter rather miffed.

That statement challenged my dignity.

In that fraction of a second I even cursed myself for having volunteered to explain one of her math exercises. Wanted to play a responsible mother. That innocent a thought it was!

"What makes you say so? Of course, I know," I said and adopted my escape strategy. "Let me see if you understood the concept."

"Very clever, mamu."

Children will not only see through you but can also feel your insides out! Wonder if this is newage 'bonding'. Because in our days we never bonded like this with our parents.

Luckily I received a call and she grabbed the book back. Or did I hand it over?

I realised how far away I've come from the world of academics. I remember mugging up math theorems. I considered it a bane in high school and kicked it out at the first given opportunity.

Grabbed science and couldn't hold a balance upright straight and struggled with the doppler effects of physics for two years before hanging it up, too.

Embraced chemistry-botany-zoology combo only to realise I couldn't make sense of why monoxides should not have their molecules accompanying them in numericals; neither could I differentiate between a nerve and blood vessel inside a frog; and trying to remember botanical names of simple flowers was nerve-wrecking to say the least.

The only practical class I enjoyed and remember to date is preparing methyl acetate - because it is nail polish remover and I used it effectively then.

That evening as I sat nursing my bruised ego, I realised there was a moral to take from my wasted academic years - Do not learn things that you cannot put to practical use.

I ran my new awareness past my family [it was more an attempt to light-hearten the embarrassment of the situation] and quick came the reply: "You should study all subjects in school. Only then you will know what you are interested in."

Father patted daughter. I sat staring at the ceiling (as is happening more frequently of late).

"You know why she is getting philosophical? Because she doesn’t know the answer to one math question."

If only I could call her observation a wisecrack!

Strictly official

Mr & Mrs

He almost runs in, a bag in hand, breathing heavy

As if rushing from one meeting to another

Walks straight to the boss’s cabin with a pack in hand

Breakfast - his favourite toast and juice

Rushes out as if he’s got to attend nature’s call

Back with coffee and sugar cubes

‘You take two, don’t you. I know your taste.’

Back to his seat, networking sites on

He dabbles in the world of shares, too

Rushes in to discuss the stock market

By then it’s lunch time

He calls up boss’s favourite outlet.

At the daily post-noon meeting,

His suggestions are the best

Boss orders the team to consult him, therefore.

Days just pass into weeks, when the boss announces

We have a new recruit – the team leader

Next morning, the couple walks in

As if taking a stroll on the beach

A little later

He walks out and returns with three cups on a tray

Mr and Mrs along with the boss take a break!

Role model

She walked in, glasses on nose

Spine straight that hair over shoulders bounced

Strutted on stilettos that jutted her rear out

Wore a perfume branded that announced her arrival.

Logged in the system and turned to her neighbour

Small talk became the norm to start her day

That gave way to requests permanent, later taken for granted

Dumped her work on others, while she greeted superiors

Soon she was out hailing cabs for her bosses

While her colleagues pitched in to meet deadlines.

Madame mozelle became the contact point of her team

She quickly became the representative of old timers at work

Strategies and proposals for innovation she framed

Powerpoint presentations she volunteered to make

She was the only one to be seen and heard

While others toiled to meet daily deadlines.

One, yes just one, year later…

She walks with files in hand, glasses over head

Spine straight that nose reflects attitude sharp

Struts on stilettos that juts her butt now bigger

Reminding her secretary, to call her driver.

A peep into the lives of my Facebook friends - Part 1

Round and round the mulberry bush we go...hush-a bush-a we all... (need an apt conclusion here)

Tired of reading positive quotes doing its rounds on social networking sites. The same lines and pixs are shared, re-shared, liked and rehashed over and over again. Even a dime a dozen falls way too short for the inundation of feel-good vibes circulating on the net.

I wonder how many positive promoters have experienced the shift within them. A click of a button will not undo 'unwanted' behaviour sedimented over the years. This line, I vouch, is mine.

The posi-phony has been on the rise ever since we heard of recession. On the one hand netizens post uplifting thoughts and on the other hand crib about pay cuts, job losses, red tapism, nepotism and politics at workplaces. I'm yet to come across a person who has given up on at least any one of these pet peeves.

In the rush to post and click 'likes' ever wondered there are people thriving, people enjoying excellent health; people earning profits, people going on pleasure trips and enjoying life in the very same places affected by recession.

Happened to bring this to the notice of an acquaintance a few months back, and she said, rather snapped: "They are people who made the right moves at the right time. And when I replied: "Indeed, they made the move within themselves", I got a rather cold stare and a vehement reply: "Oh! You too into spiritualism. Get practical." So I left it at that. (After all, I was meeting her for the first time - one of my friend's cousin).

The very next day, however, we became 'Facebook friends'.

A few weeks later I read a positive quote she shared on FB -'What we think we become - Buddha.'

I would not have remembered her post but for her jab at me when we met first.

Recently I happened to run into her again. I learnt her husband had lost his job in Dubai because his company is curtailing cost. She didn't let him take the transfer option to the firm's headquarters in Manchester because "Europe is reeling under financial crisis. What future we will have there. India is booming; after this school year, we'll return."

I couldn't get her off my thought so I forwarded her a Geoff Thompson's link about beliefs - an offshoot of the Buddha thought she had shared.  

I got a reply: "It's easy to preach. If only good thoughts can make good things happen to us, wouldn't the world be a better place? All these life-coaches are a hoax."

This weekend, she shared yet another positive quote posted by someone - 'He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.'

I ignored it and left her to sort out her problem. Some people only learn by experience - like me.

Meanwhile, an ex-colleague (an ardent Art of Living practitioner and volunteer) caught up with me. "Am having a tough time in office; they transferred me to another section..."

"Why don't you quit, if you are unhappy?" I asked. "I can't. Things aren't going as we expected," she replied.

"Well, then accept that fact. Once you accept a situation and realise you cannot change it, you will stop fretting about it. Isn't that one of the principles taught by Shri Shri Ravi Shankar," I recollected aloud.

"It's easy for you to say. Only if you go through what I'm enduring will you know," she said.

PS: Watch this space...Know several 'positive-posting' friends who make interesting case studies.

Disclaimer: I take this post as an affirmation to reinstate my beliefs.

Vidya Balan's curves leave no meat in size zeros

The Bollywood awards season has begun and it's heart-warming to note they could help create a size shift in the consciousness of the glamour-puss.

As the ola, la star swept the hitherto-announced awards and is expected to grab the remaining; voluptuousness has left no meat in size zero.

So much for 'The Dirty Picture' and the boldness of an actress to defy norms. Remember, only those who dare to tread the less-travelled path will achieve greatness. Vidya Balan has set out alright, if she will reach 'Destination Greatness', well, let's wait and watch.

Simply because greatness is relative. Naseerudin Shah who supported her in the film wasn't present for any award function. The great actor, with no 'Bollywood type' talent, is but very happy in his space catering to niche audiences. And so are others from his arty camp.

Wonder when Bollywood will begin nurturing talent. Indie and the so-called offbeat actors and filmmakers take heart with meagre returns on the sidelines, when we have reels of newsprint and visual time, and on most occasions, 'Breaking News' of box-office stars' life and style. While snippets on Kareena's wedding to Saif Ali Khan is replayed by the hour as the news of the day, Juhi Chawla's 'I Am' doesn't get a mention even. Or if Salman Khan's yet-to-be scripted Dabbang II is analysed and reviewed each day, Abhay Deol’s forthcoming romantic flick hardly gets a mention and Anurag Kashyap has to yell to the world about his 'Ghanta'. Worse still are detailed reports of how a suspicious Gauri Khan snubbed Priyanka Chopra and (someone pls give me a break!!) Ash and her Beti B. Aamir Khan had a child at about the same time without brouhaha. Konkana Sen began her family life silently...

Glamourous actors are assets to Bollywood, talented ones seem to be liabilities! The best the latter class does is to sit on the wall and hop into the greasy world at intervals to help sell their own work later.

In such a scenario, Vidya Balan's body of work since 2009 is a refreshing change. If with 'Pa' she challenged all those 'mummy' dreading singletons, then with 'Ishqiya' she dared all sacred oomph-oozers. As a deglamourised Sabrina Lal in 'No One Killed Jessica' if she let her skills rather than her stills speak, then in 'The Dirty Picture' her shots did scream out loud and... rested 'heavily' on some shoulders?

The fact that mainstream cinema audiences have appreciated these and the box-office supported the same, indeed, signals a shift among the thinking class.

Now let’s hope it triggers a shift in the consciousness of Bollywood stars, who pass off under style quotients, waist sizes, family brands, business connections, et al, and they begin to look within.