My baby's Sabarimala shame transformed me

Temple issues are raging in India at present. Unfortunate ones and yet some outright insane and ridiculous.

 

Even as I pray for all the souls that left us in the fireworks explosion in Kerala to be guided to light, I pause and include in my prayers those clueless mortals who speak non-sense about women's purity as well as those jubilant women who believe they have broken new grounds by entering the Shani Shingnapur temple and scores of others fighting for their so-called rights to enter temples.

 

This is not about equality. It's about praying. And praying is a personal choice. It's a personal connect. The Divine doesn't check your height and weight and BMI to decide if you should be heard. Nor are you screened on your location - whether you are perched atop a tower or sledging in a slum or queuing up a winding line craning your sticky neck - to be granted permission to speak your heart out.

 

Least of all, is it about women's right. You require nobody's permission to do something as personal and private and as pure an act as praying. It's just between you and the Higher Power or Divine or God or Light or Creator...however, you choose to address your Love.

All set to go from home

I say this with authority today, because I am guilty of having blindly towed the line until two years back. I forced our child to make a trip to Sabarimala. I was bowing to family pressure, culture, tradition... I can lay out excuses many, which were the truth then. But, nope. It was my choice. I have forgiven myself hence.

In November 2014, our then 11-year-old accompanied her dad and granddad on the pilgrimage. Some of our friends cautioned us about the renewed age limit of 10 years, while others said they knew kids above 10 that have been there and so are women below 60 who have made their pilgrimage.

However, we had another hurdle. Our baby has always been tall for her age. So Sanjeev equipped himself with proof of her birth date.
 

Exploring the place...mission unaccomplished

At Pamba they were stopped by a woman police official. She wanted to see no proof of her age. Pointing to a board that specifies age-limit, she screamed in abusive language. Her rant didn't stop even when they agreed to return. Suffice to say, my child and husband were embarrassed. "It was such a shame. Everyone looking at us when that police was shouting at Papa. All because of you...!" my girl cried over the phone that day.

Sanjeev, as is his won't, only said, "I understand rules. But that woman cop had no sense of language.”

Possibly it was her frustration of long duty hours on her feet controlling the crowd or perhaps her arrogance of authority or possibly she had caught people seriously flouting rules... know not what. The unscrupulous policewoman is beside the point.

Devotees making their way up from Pamba

That day, alone in my Dubai home, I had ample time and space to reflect on why I had forced my child and husband to take the trip. It was a mere belief that young girls of our family had to make the pilgrimage before their puberty. Why? I never asked.

That incident served a reality check. In sorts it was the beginning of a tremendously rewarding inward journey that I am into now, taking our baby along. Today it gives me immense pleasure when we discuss the ridiculous happenings around in the name of religion. Not to mention, my mommy pride oozing when my baby talks of subconscious and concepts such as polyanna.

There are many theories and each culture has its own beliefs about why menstruating women should not be allowed in temples, why they should be isolated at home...and so on. As varied the theories may be, they all but revolve around women’s energy and her protection and purity. During menstruation, women are vulnerable as we release energy. Religious places have abundance of energy, and this would interfere in our natural release. Alternatively women would be susceptible to absorbing other's energy, including negativity.

Of the many theories I've read, this is what I resonate with the most. And this is what I have explained to my baby.

Breathtaking Nature... on their return journey

I am not an atheist, nor am I an agnostic. Am I a believer. A believer in the Supreme Power. The Divine. To connect with my Divine I need no one's permission. It's between the two of us. I need no particular time of day or night or a particular place and position to speak to my Divine. This is my private choice! This is my personal right!

No more idol worship in our home. Yes, we do visit temples when we go home. They are places of energy. I love the atmosphere, the motifs, the architecture, the legends, myths of Gods and Goddesses… I enjoy them all and share them with my baby. We discuss them all, even touchy dogmas, and accept those that we both can make sense of and ignore others.

Like when I appraised her about Swaroopanand who claimed allowing women into Shani Shingnapur temple will lead to an increase in rape, my baby exclaimed, “He actually said that! Flipping crazy. Okay what's for dinner?"

To parents, with love!

Why don’t some parents treat their adult children as ADULTS?

The more old they grow the more paranoid they become on how their adult children conduct themselves and fare in life.

Are you saving enough? When is the last you invested in property? The interest rates are slipping…our neighbour’s son bought an apartment there, that aunt’s daughter is building a house in the suburbs, your cousin owns three 4-wheelers... It’s a crore for a medical seat…what extra coaching are you providing your kids...times have changed...

I belong to the ‘puppy generation’ for whom compromising to see parents happy is second nature. Somewhere in the growing up years, we mistook respect for obedience just as our parents mistook possessiveness for love. They loved us, so they decided for us. And because we respected them we obeyed. And yes, we were ‘cultured’ so we never disputed. As if bottled specimens!      

The puppies are ever in gratitude that they are given the opportunity to walk this land…but they would love to chew at the proverbial leash!

It’s got nothing to do with love. It’s pure, simple respect and the right to live. If we decide to choose our partner, it's new love, not old love lost. If we let our kids decide with whom they hang out with, it’s not rubbishing the culture you taught us, rather it’s respecting our kids. If we decide to invest in someplace away from home, it’s not tough love, it’s our freedom. If we ignore hung-up kin, it's not insolence rather self-respect...

Understood some seniors' love and fear for their children. They would definitely not want the hardships they endured to replay. Salutes for the affection! Allow the youngsters to repay.

Chill. Relax. Your kids are grown up to take care of themselves and you, too. Just let go and enjoy doing all that you didn’t have time and funds for. You all deserve it - a life where you just put your feet up and smell the roses. 

If you believe in your upbringing, trust your children to fare well in life. And if you haven’t, sorry, it’s late to make an attempt!! And it's absolutely fine.

What worries me is some of the puppy generation refuse to see they are still inside the bottle. 

My daughter one day returned from school with a packet stapled across. She dutifully handed over the package to me saying, ‘Megha’s mom asked me to give this to you and not to open it.”

Little did she realise it was the book 'Divergent', which she had given her classmate to read. The book was returned because the child’s mom found it ‘atrocious - a book unfit for 12-year olds’!  

While my girl is still lost as to why the book was returned thus, I pitied her classmate’s mother.

Gen Next are no puppies woman! Breathe out!

*****

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To all Non-Resident Indians, with love!

Talking sexual ethics with children

This appeared in TFW on April 9... 

Graphic Courtesy: The Financial World

When my primary school child quoted the word 'stranger-danger' from her life skills lesson, I was intrigued as to what was explained in school.

Catch them young, we say, for all developmental matters. Then why camouflage sexual assaults under stranger-danger? Times have changed. Do not take chocolates from uncles, and do not smile at mamas are fine. Do not allow any one touch you inappropriately! This, this sentence, is what parents and teachers need to explain to youngsters. This explanation creates awareness.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month!

All modes of transportation - running buses, moving cars, speeding bikes - are being utilised to make women of all ages in all nooks across the country 'aware' that India's conscience might have been stirred when the Nirbhaya flame simmered but that of the beasts are yet to be nudged.

What an irony that thepace of brutality continues unabated even as laws are being revised andcreated. By ensuring stringent punishments, quicker trials and widening the umbrella of assaults under unpardonable crimes, politicians are doing their job. The media is also doing their part by reporting, analysing and debating the same.

So who isn't doing their part right? None. All are doing their best. It's the culture that needs to change. With details of rape, sex and attacks blaring our living rooms at prime time, we can't afford to say our culture doesn't allow discussion of the same with our growing-up children. And with technology threatening to invade every inch space of our lives with each passing day, children's curiosity cannot be contained either. Therefore, it is time we revisited the list of 'taboo topics' in family and educational institutions, if we really care to snub sexual attacks.

By informing women about their rights or threatening men about the consequences of sexually attacking females, one is definitely spreading awareness, but that is akin to focussing on pedicure, ignoring foot care.

General knowledge quizzes in schools should include such incidents. Especially with pre-teens, for whom teachers' words are the Bible, classrooms are the best platform to reveal the real world to impressionable minds. As for teenagers, again a neutral environment of a school is the best place to quell their curiosity on sexual topics and answer their doubts.

And this should be taken forward by parents. Gone are the days when birds rubbed their beaks and flowers brushed against one another to let couples make love on screen. Let's not change channels or look into space when that happens. Sit along with your children and watch. That would be the beginning of getting comfortable to discussing sexual ethics with youngsters.

You never know, this small step could lead to the much-needed cultural change for a better tomorrow.