If you aren't a donkey or monkey, what's your key?

How many times have you sweared and used the f*** word at someone in your workplace and yet had to smile at them? How many times have you muttered under your breath on seeing someone walk past and yet communicated with them cordially? And how many of such and other similar occasions have spoilt your work days and family nights?

When I mentioned one such character at my workplace to a group, I immediately received their enthusiastic attention with the least effort. I didn't have to say the problem; the word I used to nickname the person - arsehole - was magnetic enough to have all their ears glued to my each word. And all their tongues impatient to share their own experiences.

The first lesson I learnt was profanity created curiosity. Secondly, I learnt that the ass I knew was not a rare breed.

When you claim you are hard-working and sincere and ethically and morally right in executing your duties but still get marginalised, the fault lies with you as much as it is with those who marginalise you.

Yes. Because you let others do that to you.

Stand up and question their act. If you don't get a reply, repeat until you get one. Finally if you aren't given justice, seek a higher course of action. Even if that fails, is that the only place for you to work under the sun?

In honestly answering this question lies the solution to your problem. If you believe that is the only place for you to work, then you lack self-confidence to trust your capabilities; or you are too meek to step out from the comfort zone; or you are in a unique profession that has no parallels; or you have liabilities that chain you down.

If the answer is either of the former two, then it's high time you straighten up your spine. And if it's any of the latter two, even then only a stronger spine can do wonders.

I had an eye-opener when I complained to my editor of the workload vis a vis my increment, which was long due at the time of my speaking with the gentleman. Without mincing words, he said 'The reason why you get dumped with work is because you silently do them like a donkey'.

So what does that mean? Monkeys who cackle and jump about the place not only shirk away from their responsibilities but make the right leap to the right branch at the right time.

Disgusting! To say the least.

Donkeys end up with spondylitis and other loses being neck-deep in work that they do not see the manipulative forces in action. Monkeys engage in jumping seats and scratching others' back for support unaware majority turn their backs on them when in need.

It took me a while to collect myself. But when I did, I straightened my spine and analysed...I don't want to be a donkey or behave like a monkey.

I needed to find the right key.

Meanwhile, I visualised. Prayed and imagined the scenes I would love to live. And lo! it started manifesting.

My book was published. It was the KEY! The key to my self worth!

So what's your key to a happy life? Only you can identify that. It lies deep within you. To look for that you need to shift within not to the outside, where there will be hordes of neggators.

The clue to finding your key is to look for that one thing that gives you immense joy. One thing that you will keep aside everything and anything else to pursue.

Good luck.

Addictions are not just food, alcohol or porn

I was reading Geoff Thompson's 'Shape Shifter' over the weekend. The book speaks of what shifts we need to make within to achieve whatever we need.

As I sat, stood and laid down gorging his words [he is one man I can't resist], I felt in-shape already. Simply because he started off explaining the four main addictions that are injurious to our success.

Food, alcohol, porn and thoughts.

'We either over-eat or consume the wrong kind of food and drinks, watch energy-draining porn, and harbour unwanted and negative thoughts that stifle our creativity and growth.'

I agreed totally and felt proud because I did not have three of the four addictions he mentioned. That's a fantastic percentage!

I don't breeze away with wines and fizz out. I don't salivate seeing shapely backs or muscular arms. And as for food, so what if I have a sweet tooth, I indulge only once a week. So what if I love fries, I don't binge. So what if my all-time favourite is masala dosas, I don't grease them. Am a light eater!

Except for a wandering mind I have absolutely no addictions! I believed. I took a break and even thought of all my acquaintances - friends, colleagues and relatives - who would cringe and drop the book I was holding like a hot brick for its suggestions. I felt so good about myself that I realised I need to treat myself for being good already and lopped up a chocolate cone.

As for my thoughts, I trusted the book to help me. One chapter on yoga says - in all its myriad formats, yoga is only as good as you practise. However, if you want an external stimuli to propel you into disciplining the self, then there is no harm in attending classes, suggested the author.

So lo! I opted for practical lessons. My thoughts need some disciplining!

When asked to fill in the form as to why I'm opting for the session, I replied honestly: "Only to condition my mind. Physically am fit as a fiddle. And addictions, I have none."

The first day as we sat down on our knees for breathing exercises, my concentration was more on my ankles than on inhaling and exhaling, until I heard the master say, 'Those who are uncomfortable sitting in this posture may spread their legs out'. Ooohhff! I took in a gulp of air through both my mouth and nostrils.

The following day as the detox regime was being introduced and everyone in the room gave out a collective sigh, I smiled. Giving up non-vegetarian food, tobacco and fizzy drinks were no qualms. Consuming 40% raw food was no big deal either.

The next evening, participants asked for concessions and more time to get into the fold. And I smiled again.

The following morning, I took out the diet plan to begin my day and downed two glasses of water as instructed. A little later, I felt the urge. (Not what you think).  

I ignored and dressed up for work.

By 9am, the urge was unbearable. I drank another glass of water. Soon it got worse when I saw happy colleagues.

Not being irritated by anyone's action or words, listening to good music, staying happy were the other assignments for the day.

All of which went for a toss, because of my thrombing head. The nasty headache so very used to that hot cuppa in the morning was crying foul.

It is an addiction, I realised.

Initiative versus interest

My first book has opened a whole new galaxy to me. Among the various life lessons it has already taught me in this short time, the one that I enjoy the most is analysing human reactions and actions thrown my way.

And so all the warm to lukewarm and even cold responses from acquaintances, I use as fodder for my mind and soul.

One of my friends, who is helping me promote the book [http://www.dhruvpublishing.com/published.html], put up a post on his Facebook page requesting his mammoth network of friends (more than 5,000!) to share and like and possibly read and even buy my work. But after a couple of days when only four friends shared the info on their respective pages, the crusader posted another message reminding his FB friends what to do - 'Common share!' he urged them.

To that comment, an active FB user wrote, 'I don't know her. She (that's me) needs to take the initiative'.

I failed to understand what's the initiative I needed to take, when my info appeared on her homepage without her asking for the same.

Nevertheless, I send her a friend request. More than 24hours later she confirmed me as her FB friend.

She neither contacted me nor shared the book info. Initiative was not enough, I deduced. I decided to introduce myself to her in a private message, when a gentleman called me.

I was introduced to this person through my crusader friend again. This person had promised to have the book introduced on his radio show. Which he, indeed, had arranged efficiently.

The phone I received while I sat mulling on writing my bio-data to the FB user who needed me to initiate was that of this gentleman media professional. He wanted to know more about my work. I briefed him. A few days later he called yet again and wanted to have a book. He called a third time and wanted to meet me and get to know me better.

This is what I call interest. If you are interested there is no room for initiation. Interest is the fuel and ignition.

One radio listener who heard me speak traced me out on FB subscribing my page. I'm humbled by his act.

I have written to total strangers who are published authors. I hunt down their contact details to communicate. That's interest. Not initiative. I have walked up to nasty-looking mortals and requested for contact details of people in the publishing world. I've received numerous rejection emails from publishers than I could care to remember but that has not stopped me from mailing them again.

I've called up the secretary of a book store owner in Dubai more than 20 times in March alone to fix an appointment. Ultimately when she granted me one, and I eagerly presented myself at her office, I was told, "the owner is busy, why don't you leave a copy of your book." I returned only to pursue following up to get an audience with the owner all over again.

Interest makes me endure rough terrain and break that proverbial ice.

Techies will go any far and stand in winding queues to own that limited edition gadget.

Movie buffs will not miss the first show on the first day come hail or storm.

Wannabe models will unashamedly pursue the most demanding photographer in the field.

Crazy cooks will torture themselves in search of the store that exclusively sells that exquisite ingredient they don't even know how to pronounce.

It's interest that makes them do what they do. Period. They do not wait for the initiation ceremony or ribbon cutting to be welcomed into the field. They simply loiter, nudge, knock, push and if it still doesn't work, barge in. If they get thrown out with the same force, they help themselves up, and try again.

You are the biggest fool, I'm told

A fushia Barbie bag, crispy uniform, new shoes and freshly-wrapped texts which were a source of infectious excitement for the last few days at home lost its sheen last night.

With the new academic session beginning today, I thought I had a situation on hand to diffuse for I almost believed my child was getting the blues the previous night.

I decided to give her some pep talk. So sat her beside me and began playing the mother hen to perfection. "It doesn't matter if all your friends are not in your class. You can still meet them during recess...we'll invite them home...this is life...you will have to shift schools, cities..."

The expression-less countenance of my daughter worried me, and I decided to change the topic totally. I started on Earth Hour assuming to getting her to speak up and then gradually tackling the school issue, when she said: "It is of no use. Street lights will be on. Metro stations, airports, shopping malls all such places will have light. Everybody will be watching TV now. Especially tonight, because it's the last day of holiday. They are fools. They should cut off power to save energy. Asking people to volunteer will not help.”

Ok, so whoever the 'they' are, my child was substantially updated. Grabbed my opportunity and said: "Wow! so you know all about Earth Hour. It's a shame that such a smart girl is sad about starting school tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I asked Papu. He explained it to me. And who told you I'm sad? I'm feeling bad. Not sad. As if we are all fools. If they have given us almost three weeks holiday, they could have given us one more day, isn't it? Why re-open on Fools Day?"

"Oh! that's just another day. Nothing great,"I said. 

"So Mother's Day, Teacher's Day, Children's Day, Women's Day are just other days? We make cards and wish people. Each day has a meaning.”

"Of course, yes. But this Fool's Day has no meaning. It's just a fun day, when you play pranks on others," I said.

"Playing prank is the activity of this day. That I know. But why is it called Fool's Day? If it's only about playing pranks then we can call it Fun Day. Why Fool's Day?"

Now I was getting into tough waters. "Well, that I don't know. I'll check and let you know. But am sure it has no significant history to its origin," I stressed.

"Have you made fools of friends?" When I replied in the affirmative she wanted to know how many times and when, where and whom all.

After I recalled a couple of instances when we really freaked out in college, and thought the topic was done with, she quipped: "You know what mama, you are the biggest fool I've ever seen in my life."

"How weird. For so many years you've celebrated this Fool's Day without knowing why you are doing it. Why didn't you ask your parents or teachers? My ma'am said, 'Copying is bad, but if you have to copy then at least use your brains. Copying without understanding is foolish’!"

PS: Meanwhile, let me Google.

*****************************

01-04-2014 
I did the Googling today... check this link for why we celebrate April Fool's Day.... http://bit.ly/1kmbI0B

Holiday activity... Nail art

 You may want to know one other time when I had felt foolish...http://bit.ly/1kmaYsk

Battle with the spoken word - Part II (Learning to say ‘No, Thank You’)

The moment you decide to conquer the fear of the spoken word, you have landed the biggest leap ever taken in that one particular death well.

Now the effort must be focussed on keeping at it. While you've joined groups or formed speaking groups to tickle your inhibitions, it's important to be alert. Because now you will discover several things that you never knew had been defining your character.

When I was more than half-a-year into my battle, I realised that I let myself to be bossed around. No, not by my workplace bosses (that's another topic for another time), but by a so-called well-meaning friend who claimed to know better. (She, indeed, does with far wider experience in the publishing world than me).

And when I reacted very mildly (old habits die hard), I was told 'You've changed'. But the friend could not pinpoint what exactly was the 'change' in me.

I smiled to myself as her comment was another imaginary trophy I received for my efforts towards empowering myself.

Here goes the series of incidents...when my long-time acquaintance turned friend learnt that my first book was in the process of being published, she rang me up to enquire about the details of my venture.

A conversation that started cordially turned nasty as she yelled, "Why didn't you tell me your book is complete...You hid your work... You are wasting your money...I know of several publishers in India whom I could have introduced you to had you told me once...you are being foolish..."

And so on until she banged the phone on me. This despite the fact that she was in the know of me compiling chapters. We had started on our respective books at about the same time.

I forgave her. I initiated steps and stayed in touch.

A few months later, my book was printed and ready for distribution, when she rang me up to know details of the distributor and once again enquired the amount I had invested. No sooner than I mentioned the figures than she started, this time warning me in no uncertain terms, that I was goofing up my future associating with my publisher because no "good distributors will associate" with my publisher.

This time I was more composed. I sought to first know the reason why she thought my publisher's work would not be accepted my well-known distributors. And the only reason she gave was, “Because she's a ***ch". When I replied, "It doesn't matter. So be it", she snapped "don't get cocky with me, I'm talking for your good and your future..."

I firmly repeated, "It doesn't matter. My future associations for my work is within me alone, but thank you for the advise.” By then she had hung up on me. She didn't deserve an explanation or thanks, anyways. My courtesy!

I had learnt to tell a bossy and judgemental person to f*** off without being rude. I had begun exercising my right to accept no shit from I-know-it-all mortals. I had stood up for my beliefs!

Yes, belief is all what matters. If you believe in yourself, your aspiration for any desire will come to pass. Just follow your gut instincts.

Returning to our battle with speaking, we now understand how acknowledging one weakness within us and setting about to overcome that will bring forth other small niggly negatives that need attention as well.

By saying ‘NO’ and not agreeing with someone you are NOT being a foe. Agreement in disagreement is a healthy way to sustain friendship.

Imagine towing one another's line in the name of maintaining a relationship. You will not enjoy each other’s company, the association will bear no fruits and above all you will denigrate your own worth.

Battle with the spoken word - Part I (Saying it aloud!)

As promised here I begin my series...

How many of you'll can deliver a speech to a group of audience. Loud and clear, with excellent diction and smart posture without your heart pounding in your ears, knees knocking together, eyes drilling the opposite wall, throat drying up to a croaky voice and palms leaking your confidence?

A prepared speech to begin with. Impromptu requires a different skills set, which I'll tackle later.

This is no arm-chair writing nor a funda that flew over the top of my scalp as I munched popcorn. These are real facts - those what I experienced, am experiencing and am damn well sure will experience!

To begin with acknowledge that you cannot speak to a group of more than five strangers without going through at least one of the several symptoms mentioned in the opening paragraph. This is called 'BEING AWARE'.

Next admit it is a 'weakness'. Loud and clear, say it aloud. Let the monster inside you listen and prepare itself for the attack.

Trust me it is one great weakness to possess. No, I'm not nuts yet. Think of this...How would you feel if you were to tease the biggest bully in your class or office in his/her face?

That's exactly what you are doing by saying it loud and clear - 'Yes, I have a weakness.'

Next say I'm not ashamed. Say it as many times loud and clear. Look into the mirror and yell - 'Yes I have a weakness, but am not ashamed'.

This is what I didn't do. And this is the reason why I was called names, branded and... suffered for more than two decades of my adult life. I lived in denial. And when the need to speak multiplied I receded further into my own imaginary shell. I spoke only if spoken to and was called a 'snob'. I replied in monosyllables and was called 'ignorant'. I kept away from discussions and conversations and was labelled 'shy'. Some even attacked my pedigree. Yet I chose not to react, until I realised my purpose in life. I became an author and I hate if I were to be called a shy and ignorant author. For I'm simply NOT that.

You need not wait to hit the wall to seek remedies. Join a forum (there are dime a dozen in any city) that will hone your speaking skills. If cash is your problem, no worries. Form a group. Tell your well-hearted friends or relatives or neighbours about your intention. Bet you! there are hordes of 'shy' people out there.

And once you initiate in forming a group, you automatically become its leader and lo! you will already begin basking in new-found confidence.

Those of you joining professional groups, fret not. Just look around and see the varied members - you will find managers and office boys, housewives and so-called superwomen, even aged and experienced professionals all under one roof - desperate to speak without stuttering.

Take this first step and then check me out here for the next.

All the best!

Checkout the intro to this series http://nishasanjeev.blogspot.com/2012/03/what-shame-journalist-training-to-speak.html

What a shame! A journalist training to speak

When my acquaintances learnt of my new interest, they reacted variedly. From genuine shock to mocks and even smirks and some suppressed giggles.

How can a journalist seek help for learning to speak! What a shame! they implied.

While I was absolutely unstirred with their verbal and facial expressions, I couldn't help but see the ignorance in abundance in them.

How did I sense the ignorance if I was unstirred? Well, because I'm out conquering my fear. A fear that I am aware of. Am aware of because I acknowledged that weakness in me. I acknowledged it because I love myself and will go any length to see myself free of that evil.

The very fact that they reacted thus is because I minced no words and hid no facts. By not being ashamed or afraid of spelling out my weakness I thrashed out the first huge blow on the face of the ugly trespasser settled inside me.

Now tackling the 'ignorance' of my listeners - I don't claim every one of them who reacted in disapproval need help to speak. But all of them definitely could do with some logic.

How can a journalist join a speaking forum is akin to asking how can your physician not operate upon your heart? Or how can a support desk staff not know how to build a software program? Or how can a wrestler be afraid of a snake? Or why can’t all cricketers ball and bat and keep wicket?

A dentist is a dentist first a doctor second. A cardiologist is a cardiologist first and doctor second. And so is an ophthalmologist or gynecologist or any other medical ologist.

Similarly, a mechanical engineer cannot fix your electrical cable or an architectural engineer weld chunks of heavy metal.

All engineers may be technicians but all technicians are not engineers. All surgeons are doctors but not all doctors are surgeons. All professors are teachers but not all teachers are professors. All painters are artists but not all artists are painters. All hair stylists are barbers but not all barbers are hair stylists. All chefs are cooks but not all cooks are chefs. So also all reporters are journalists but not all journalists are reporters - Period.

Only as you narrow down and zero-in on specializations and hone those particular skills are you entitled to specific titles? Until then you loiter in the broader corridors of professionalism.

And when you set out to do that you may encounter some hidden skeletons suppressing you with its magical powers, and to undo which you may require immense courage.

The faster you muster that courage, the quicker you get to be free. That is only if you are 'AWARE' that you need to work on yourself.

Always remember, no human being is perfect as yet not to harbour at least one irky snooper.

P.S: If you harbour the fear of speaking and are AWARE it resides inside you, then you are at the right place. I've decided to share my battle with the spoken word on this blog. If you choose to join me in the war, rest assured you'll be victorious for I BELIEVE in myself.