A 'rear' secret…revealed

Yesterday I was attacked by the fight or flight syndrome. I almost lifted my butt off the seat in an attempt to scoot on my feet when I saw the patroness of elitism do it herself… 

A few years ago, when I was her confidant, she had shared with me her secret of confidence.

This is how she began… “For instance, if you are at an important meeting, the way you sit oozes in oodles of confidence into you.”

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Let me take you through the demo… Women don’t forget to climb up on those stilettos. If you are chick-legged like me, wobble in with a colleague, who is physically stronger than you. And, most important, once the meeting is over, remember you are mounted. Don’t jump up. 

 

Picture Courtesy: MorgueFile

Once in, choose your chair and lower yourself down – diagonally. Yes, of, course, looking at the one in-charge. If you are right-facing, then lift the left knee over your right. And tilt your weight also to the right in such a manner that your left derriere should just fleetingly tease the seat… up in air and yet down there. Balance. If you develop cramps mid-meeting, think of something pleasant and ignore. Changing your diagonals will change the dynamics. Imagine looking away from the honcho? Or, take a warm body wrap or hot water bag…it could also help balance you. But, don’t blame me for any consequence thereafter.

Okay. Next, always remember the side you are off-lifting. Now, raise the arm of the opposite side and rest it on the back rest.

Remember, to look up, [not at the ceiling] at the person in command. Don’t leave his/her eyes. Lock them with yours…

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… mine got locked yesterday, with the person who taught me this power position. Only that it was amid the sound of blow dryers and music. At the parlour, I caught her in act! Reading a mag, with one foot on the lap of the staff and her scalp in the hands of another standing behind her, she was lost in the pages, until my eyes locked hers.

Immediately, she tossed the mag on the table beside, jerked into a diagonal pose causing her hairdresser to jerk and blow hot air at her nape, involuntarily letting her assume her customary look – chin up, jaws stiff, boobs thrust.

Only this time, it was funny… with her one leg stretched, one butt raised and one arm sandwiched between the back rest and the tummy folds of the hairdresser.

Do you think she was attempting to garner confidence or stamping her authority or desperately attempting to snip the flight n fight syndrome building up within her?

Secret revealed! 

When I nearly peed my pants off

I flushed history yesterday. I downed 11 bottles of water [almost 4 litres]. Unprecedented a feat!

Picture Courtesy: morguefile

Filled cups and glasses and then held bottles to my lips. That’s when I heard my startled insides. Grabbed mineral water bottles and reassuring them with pats I told aloud, “it’s good for you, too, darlings!”

Being a noble woman that I always am, I quickly thought of the departing soul, as well. So bought some bottles of sparkling water. I wanted to give the person a glittering farewell!

But my insides were not as forgiving as me. They had no mercy. They hammered the shit out of the soul, flushing out colourless, dull and pale residue.

Tired of putting the seat down, I stuck a note on the toilet door – ‘Don’t disturb!’

By the end of the day, I was asked by my bemused girl, “loose?”

“Yeah!”

“But you come out quickly…”

So I took Shantaram for company. We sat closed inside until I was convinced I flushed the person off my system COMPLETLY!!!

In fact, I was more than half-way through Gregory David Roberts’ autobiographical first novel, when I sought him out yesterday night. But comfy on the loo, my eyes refused to move away from his first lines… “It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant, while I was chained to a wall and being tortured…” 

Well, it took ME almost 4 years, 11 bottles of water and I nearly peed my pants off to know that it was MY choice that I allowed some creep to torture me! 

His looks could kill, so did hers! And they did…

As she walked in, she caught the security person waving hurriedly at her. She stepped aside.

A swanky Lexus pulled in.

She looked at her watch. ‘40 minutes more.’ Uncomfortable on being too early to work on the first day, she decided to wait out, admiring the manicured garden.

Through the tinted glass she caught a chiseled chin. Looks young!

Catching a movement inside, she crinkled her brows. Open-collar! She quickly touched her nose looking around.

One shining feet in black and she was all attention. The next landed and she threw caution to the winds. Who knows me here anyway! 

When he pushed the shades up his forehead, she shifted to the left impatient to take a full look. As he flung the coat over his shoulders and strode ahead, her jaws fell.

‘Morning!’ he stated through curled lips. 

‘Mo…r...” he was behind the glass door when she finished ‘…ning’.

Never smelled a man so fresh! 

She pulled out her mobile to Whatsapp, and saw there was a message waiting for her from her friend who was anxious if she had reached the workplace on time.

‘Hey alredy lovin d job. Hunk!!!!! Oove!’ hugs! pray 4me’…

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Two minutes later a stream of women walked in. What figures and style! Uh… some shapes, too. 

A group halted beside her. Four women stood absorbing an animated monologue by a chick, who was the only one in smart casuals – a bottle-green dress, caught at the waist that brushed just above her knees. In an off-white jacket and matching shoes, she was pretty. Looks older to me though!

Waiting for the elevator, she caught their attention.

“Are you the newbie,” the talkative asked.

“Yep.”

Hi, I’m so and so….and she grabbed her hand, followed by a volley of questions. By the time, the elevator took them to the 12floor, the group of women learnt everything from her place of birth to her previous jobs, stopping short of her sizes, which she presumed the five mute spectators measured up to the last inch.

The manager’s secretary escorted her to her workstation.

She sat taking in the place. Two among the five women were facing her, while she was sandwiched between the other two. Her new friend was at the opposite cubicle. She smiled, when one of them made an eye contact but she returned to tapping at the keyboard. She attempted the ice-breaker to others, and they were equally aloof.

She WahtsApp-ed, ‘L team sucks. Jus 1 frnd n shs faraway LLL

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Two hours later, the intercom buzzed. The conference room was suffocating in tense silence. She stealthily slipped across and stood beside her new friend, who now adorned a purposeful demeanour. 

“Why are we called here?” she whispered.

After a few minutes. “Who’s gonna to meet us?” she tried again.

“Can you just shut up!” as her new friend hissed, she slipped. In stormed her man!

Those who were sitting, jumped up. Those standing, slumped against the wall as he towered over with a bundle of files in hand. Those teasing grey eyes that lifted her off her feet just a few hours earlier was ugly hawk-like piercing through each one present. She felt his temple pulsate to the rise and fall of the stripped light-blue shirt beneath his shoulders.

He flung the files and thumped the table and the heads fell as if taking the blows on their scalp.

“Bloody hell….what the f***…..’ the obscenities that followed, the tone that echoed, the anger that vibrated… she trembled.

After 7 minutes of tyrannical showdown, he kicked the chair out of his way and headed out. Stopping by the door, he turned to look at her, “Did you meet the HR head?”

She just about managed to shake her head.

“Did you or not?” he thundered and without waiting for her reply instructed his secretary to get her joining report ready and disappeared.

She heard a collective heave and realised she had to breathe in.

Hushed talks followed as the herd returned to their stations, some for smoke breaks. She went looking for the secretary. On not finding her, she headed towards her new friend desperate for some normalcy.

She enquired about the secretary’s  whereabouts and received a cold stare. Gingerly she pulled a chair. “Don’t you have anything better to do? Stalking me since morning…”

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She returned to her cubicle. In a courageous effort to appear calm, she took her mobile, when the two woman colleagues beside her pulled over. One stroking her head and the other taking her palm in hers, they said, “Ignore her.”

Meanwhile, the other two women leaned over “Smile girl”, said one. “We are all here for you,” said another.

One said, “Keep away from that hot-fuse. If she speaks to you, simply listen. Don’t react, reply or analyse.”

“You’ll be fine,” hugged the one on her side. “We’ll teach you how to survive here.” 

“Trust us. It’s a good place to work. It’s how you look at things.” 

Look at looks...perceptions!


                                                                                                                     [Pictures: Courtesy MorgueFile]